Object Lesson

Animals, Not Bottle, Guilty of Murder

Mr. Water Bottle has been accused of the murder of his wife Franchesca and friend Bartholomew late Friday the 13th of February. He called a press conference the next day to tell his side of the story. Bottle was accused of training animals to attack and brutally murder his wife and friend. He maintained that he had spent the night at the local zoo taking care of kangaroos afflicted with Kangaroo Blight. He also claimed that he had never trained animals, only worked with them. When questioned about his relationships with his wife and friend, Bottle said they were the only ones he trusted, since the government "took him out of his hard working, honest life and threw him in the slammer for no reason." He described his wife Franchesca as being busy, and having a fondness for cooking. His friend Bartholomew, however, wasn't so deeply trusted. Bottle stated that he trusted Bart "only enough to have him take care of Franny while [he] was taking care of the animals." He also claimed that the deaths of Franchesca and Bartholomew were caused by forgetfulness -- they, according to Bottle, had forgotten to lock the door, thus allowing animals to enter the home and brutalize both occupants. This tragic incident deeply saddened Bottle. During the interview, Bottle was distrustful of the reporters at the conference, calling them "government spies." His distrust of the government came out in the conference as hostility. This aggression was inspired by his past incarceration for releasing animals from the zoo, a charge which he had fought against and maintained his innocence. His love of kangaroos and other Australian creatures was accredited as being because "they ain't the government," once again tying back to his loathing of the government. His innocence in the current matter, the murder of his wife and friend, will be decided by a jury of his peers next week, on Friday the 20th of February, in the county courthouse at 2 p.m.
By Hurricane Katrina, Kayla Brown, Ana Olsen, and Jaynee Hansen